October 18 2008

The compassionate love of Jesus at work within us empowers us to suffer with, endure with, struggle with , partake of, be moved in the depths of our being for the hunger, nakedness, loneliness, pain, squalid choices, and failed dreams of our brothers and sisters in the human family.

Reading this from the ragamuffin gospel reminded me of my favorite verse...

Through his power at work within us he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we could ever dare to ask or hope. I always thought of this as what great things I could accomplish with God's help to benefit myself. However I saw it in a new light today. Through his power at work within us he empowers us to love those that are hurting. He enables us to do infinitely more than we could ever dare to ask or hope maybe because what our dreams and hopes are based on is ourselves and the reason why he can do more is because he looks past us and helps us help others. We ourselves may not accomplish great things in our name but instead accomplish great things for others.

Gallery visitors

I was just loving life in the gallery and was lead from a john mayer song to coltrane to the then listen to the sound of music's Favorite things and I was listening by myself in the silent gallery to this song of my past when two people opened the door to come into my solitary gallery. The dancing melodies of my head and imagination fell to the floor and became the very sculptures I was suppose to be guarding.

Fried Chikin

Elaborating on my adventures in the south, on the way home from farmers market I saw a family washing their horse in a car wash, quite a site to see. I went to my first baptist church potluck and I am a big fan of those. Going to this baptist church made me question how their beliefs differ from mine and my sister informed me that we pretty much were brought up in baptist teachings when we went to our non-denominational churches. Many people down here use the phrase "might can" and think that it is proper english. Such as "you might can find that in the paper." Its funny, I had heard about dialects before in other countries but never really thought about our country and how different the north and south really are.

Down South in North Carolina

I have been down south a couple times but this week I began thinking more about different lifestyles and decided to write about it. We drove around Creedmoor, North Carolina and there was a gas station with one gas pump. It made me smile. There are no breakfast places in town you have to go to Durham for that, the larger city. Life is so different down here, so slow. I am not sure I could get use to it. I am sure if i lived down here for awhile I would, but it is just peculiar how in different regions different people live. These two groups of people put priorities on different things. In Chicago speed is automatically expected not a luxury. However I think the people down here make up for their lack of speed by the care they give to the person in which they are serving.

Thrift store poetry

The day gone or going
we'll bus from room to room
and I'll protest the eyes of furniture or flowers
or anything that looks at you but me.

I've drawn your face on tablecloths across the country.
tracing your smile with my index finger,
making your hair just so.
Till now your more what I want you to be than what you really are.

My hair is almost white from lying in the sun.
I'm tired of being next to you just to engineer a tan.
I would be the same man pale.

Trees are monuments to God,
cities monuments to man.
I need to meet my God again
among the ferns and trees.
There's too much me in my life now
and not enough of Him.

I buy you necklaces you never wear
to show how much I care
I might as well have brought you bouquets of this air
for crystal beads can't fill a woman's needs.
And where are we now, where are we now?
A thousand miles apart.
What have we now, what have we now?
Not even love enough to break each other's hearts.

I've saved the summer
and I give it all to you
to hold on winter morning
when the snow is new.
I've saved some sunlight
if you should ever need
a place away from darkness
where your mind can feed.
And for myself I've kept your smile
when you were but nineteen
till you're older you'll not know
what brave young smiles can mean.

A conversation with a friend...

This summer I have been blessed with the chance to get to know a young woman pretty well. We have had many conversations on life and she has helped me sort out my thoughts. One of which is about the importance of friends. Pick friends who you want to be like, not who people think you should hang out with but really people who you admire or who you would like to become more like. I had to make hard decisions in high school and believe me it hurt to say goodbye to some friends who I didn't agree with what they were doing in order for myself not to get wrapped up in what they were doing. Now I'm not saying don't hang out with friends because they do things or don't do things or such...I mean you have to make that call but friends influence you more than you know, so being around people who you want to be like is great because they rub off on you. I know it may sound like the same old same old but really I challenge you to chose your friends wisely.
However, during high school I also got into the mind set of judging people because they did things that I didn't agree with, however I was in the wrong too. Remember to always love those people but you don't have to love their actions. One verse I really like when dealing with decisions about things like smoking, alcohol, relationships, how i dress...etc... is: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I really like this verse cause it reminds me that I belong to God and he lives in me so I have to try and keep my body as pure as I can. This all can go back to respecting yourself too. I also love the song (sometimes i use it as a prayer) "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary pure and holy tried and true with thanksgiving i will be a living sanctuary for you." Sometimes its really hard to do the right thing but in the end you will be so happy you did. I pray that God molds you into a person after his own heart. I think this is the best prayer you could pray for anyone. I hope I will always love the first love of my live with my whole heart mind strength and spirit.

I am...

Have you ever asked yourself who am I?

A little while ago I asked a good friend to describe himself in 5 words or phrases. I knew this was hard to do but I wanted to see what he would say. It's always interesting to see what someone first says or thinks about themself. Then I started thinking of who I am.
I am...
-a hopeless procrastinator.
-a imaginative artist
-a competitive athlete.
-short-term long-term forgetful
-always wandering
-blessed
-in love with God
-a sister
-a fashion designer
-spontaneous
-messy and organized in my own way
-a kid at heart
-a chicagoan
-distracted easily
-food critic
-adventurous
-a snuggler
-dislexic spelling bee winner
-a slow reader
-an aimless thinker
-laid back/easy going

if you know me and have anymore to add please be my guest.

Good songs

So in church today we sang better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere and I love that song...i also really like blessed be the name of the lord...and then of course put your heart (from the gathering). I love the idea of that one, so good. I love writing it or saying the words every day as a prayer to God to make me more like him. To love like he loves people so that I can love more perfectly and more fully. I thought of this song in church today with the whole correlation between heart and mouth and how what is in our hearts overflows to our mouths and I thought we should have sang this song....

Put your heart in my heart.
Put your words in my mouth.
Put your heart in my heart.
Put your words in my mouth.
We could be your hands,
We could be your feet,
We could be your love to this world.

Let you live your life through me
Let your kingdom come through me
Let your will be done through me
Put your heart in my heart
Put your words in my mouth.

Let your arms reach out through me
Let your heart beat in me
Let your words speak through me
reveal the Fathers love
to the broken
to the poor
to the heavy hearted ones
that everyone may come to know and taste the Fathers love.

My favorite verse

"By His mighty power at work within us He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope."
Ephesians 3:20

This is one of my favorite verses because it reminds me that by myself I can't accomplish anything. I am weak and I will screw up but with Gods strength He is the one that will accompolish a great work throught me I love how the bible uses the word infinitely more I mean think of that infinitely more, I can't even grasp that...no one can except God. I love the last part also..."more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." wow. not even my wildest dreams of becoming a famous artist marrying prince charming becoming wealthy and sharing it with others, living in a dream house, even my wildest dreams don't compare with what God has in store for me or would accpomplish through me if I have the strength to let go and trust him. Wow. I love this verse.

A midnight summer bonfire

So I just want to describe the scene I am acting in right now on this stage of life. I am sitting on a carpet of green grass which slowly reveals itself through the flicking of the fire and then slips back into the shadows. Josh Groban is singing to me telling me its now or never. As the fire slowly goes to sleep for the night in its warm bed of ambers the moon takes its place for the light that illuminates the somber world that surrounds me. Half my face glows a warm red from the light escaping from the fire and the other half shines the beauty of the moons cold blueness.

May 9, 2008
I just took an amtrak train to holland michigan. It cost 29 dollars. I went to visit Kristin Benner my roommate. I got there around 10pm. There was a waiter on the car we were traveling in and he flirted with all the middle aged women so they were all giggling and flirting back. I sat by myself and read my book "through painted deserts" or looked outside as the day turned into a foggy gray tinted landscape which gave way to night, pitch black I couldn't see anything. It was a long trip. I got lost in my book a couple times though. Now I want to become a homeless person go on road trips write books and paint create art.

I also reflected on this past year. Alot of guys liked me but I just wanted to be friends with them. The guy I did like did not show any sign of liking me back either. My heart was "on the fence" alot of the time as trygve would say. That is not a good place to be. I didn't want to like someone just because they liked me. I was wondering if God would put the man that I was suppose to be with in my life. I had a relationship over this past year but I knew that he was not the one. He was an amazing guy but not the one for me. It was hard after being in a relationship I thought that I really wanted another right away. However, I am slowly realizing that I want to be content in being in love with God. I had spent so much time in vain looking for the right guy when really I just had to fall in love with God all over again. I recently read a quote I really like. A womans heart should be so lost in love with God a man has to seek Him to find it. That is what I want for my life. I want to be satisfied in Him because when I am most satisfied in Him, He is most glorified in me. I found this song that kinda goes with what I am saying....

Security by Stacie Orrico
Another day all alone again...someone please love me
another game another broken heart why do i do this to myself
if i can look and try to find someone who won't leave me lonely....
but then i found i didn't need to search cause you were the one and you came to me....
Im so glad you found me because i need you so close to me because your the only one that makes my life complete. I know it took so long to see that your my security. you won't go away from me and i know that I will never have to worry because you are my security.

Lord I pray that I become a woman after your own heart.

Live the life you have imagined. -Thoreau

I wrote this at the beginning of my summer on May 3rd.
I just realized that I sort of want a different life. I mean I have ALOT of good things to be thankful for but it really wasn't my ideal life. I have always been starry eyed and had great plans of doing art and traveling. For some reason I guess I thought that life would just come to me but thats not how it works. So i want to make my life the life that I want to live. I am going to chose my life, not just react. I realized that only doing is doing. If you want to do something nothing should stop you. If you really WANT to do it DO IT. it seems so simple but yet if we really tried it I think alot of people would be different and happier. So the question then comes what do I want to do? Who do I want to be?

In order to come to know what I want to do with my life and the kind of person I want to be I have to start at my source. Well lets start with my purpose in life. God. Praising him and bringing him glory and loving him in all I do. If I only give 95% that is 5% short. So how am I going to be FULLY on fire for GOD? I had a couple ways of how my life should go this summer. I was thinking about becoming a minimalist for a couple reasons... I have alot of stuff I never use, which isn't right. But instead I decided that I shouldn't just throw things out that I would use, just to have a little. Instead I would honestly go through everything I have and get rid of things I know deep down I will never use. Second I wanted a change, I wanted something different and I was thinking that this would do it. But really I realized today that I need to change my life. I need to change my attitude and habits and not just my surroundings. I could get rid of the physical clutter but I also needed to get rid of the things I didn't want in my life mentally I guess you could say.
I made a huge list of things I wanted my life to be like. Here are some of them...

I have always wanted to read a plethora of books...so i am going to pick out a book each week and read it. So that adds up to 15 books.
I want to do fun exciting things. something out of the normal. I want to take a road trip go camping I want to rock climb and try new things events, foods, etc..
I want to be able to run a marathon.
I want to know history. medicine. how to fly a plane.
I want to read great poems and reflect on them.
I want to learn about art history.
I want to care about the earth.
I want to learn a instrument Guitar or piano or drums or both.
I want to jump 3 feet high.
I want to learn about Egypt and archaeological excavations .
I want to spend as little money as possible, having fun without needing to spend tons of money.
I want to learn the streets of Chicago in and out.
I want to vote and register to vote.
I want to write poems or a story and illustrate it.
I want to learn how to make my own clothes and sew.
I want to make a recipe book.
I want to send letters to my friends and care about them.
I want to watch a storm.
I want to create a pic for lyssa
I want to get up in the morning see sunrises and run and bike
I want to take walks with God.
I want to listen to God... enjoy silence.
I want to go to turtle head and have a picnic.
I want to play beach volleyball.
I want to go sailing.
I want to get to know my friends better.
I want to listen to different kinds of music I don't normally listen to.
I want to create an artwork to a piece of music.
I want to buy an easel.
I want to learn/memorize bible verses.
I want to learn about other religions.
I want to restore past broken relationships.

So that is some of the things I planned to change in my life at the beginning of the summer and I think I have done a good job of seeing most of them through. So try it. Figure out what matters most to you, combine it with the life you have always imagined for yourself and go do it. This is not just a checklist its a new way of life.

How this started...

So...I have a friend named Brandon Joldersma. He is an amazing guy and I won't lie I am very intrigued by him. I have always wanted to travel the world and he has been a lot of places I have always dreamed of going. I found his blog online out of the blue...which was really random and at first I clicked on it but didn't think it was the same brandon however it turned out to be his blog of his travels. So being the wanderlust person I am if I can go to europe tonight I might as well read what he has to say and see if I can pick up any tips from his travels. Well needless to say, this got me to start my own blog. See, in the past couple weeks my way of thinking has started to change. I began thinking of writing down my insights or the way I think otherwise known as Chickin Logic in a book. However I think this will serve my purpose quite well. I also started reading a book, One Month To Live by Kerry and Chris Shook. Although I have only started this book it is changing how I think of life. The whole idea of the book is to get you to realize that you should live life and not have the "someday syndrome." For example: Someday I will travel all around the world. Someday I will learn languages and paint masterpieces. This book is helping me realize how to live my life as if I will die in a month. How to not have regrets. Brandon, even though I barely know him has gotten me to think of this concept also. One night as we were hanging out at his house with friends he said something like if you want to do it just do it, everyone says oh thats so cool you traveled I wish I could do that to and he's like you can if you really want to you will figure a way out. Since I was little I have always dreamed of traveling the world and I am going to try to live that dream out to the fullest and not wait for someday. So thanks Brandon.