Plan B - a hipster coffeeshop

through old doors, im the only one here it seems
im pretty sure you're open but this look of absence
makes me for a minute question

why the menu overhead is too small to read
without my glasses
where are they anyway buried 6 feet under
the necessary contents I must carry with me at all times
called a leather bag full of

money, books, paper I accumulate from places like this
or museums I may not even enter

into the galleries of colorful cranes in drab cityscapes
yet the artist probably lives here
we criticize exactly what we are.

latte cubano is the final choice
cinnamon and honey in it or was it brown sugar
you taste it at the end
first it seems like the regular but maybe more well put together
but then the aftertaste, its there but i can't identify

plan b
the couches disheveled
i can identify with these
houses entered the last four years

"we feed the highracks"
"whats it like?" -im yearning to hear
a full explanation of their habits, social tendencies, and eating patterns
"whats it like? like a goat?"
do they not know how to feed themselves
have they not survived before us
maybe thats it we are compensating
for who we are and how that has effected everything around.

worth 3.25?
no.
but a good try.
but aside from product the presence
I guess makes up

S.Kaye.S

http://www.wix.com/skayesdesign/art

the unbribed soul

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the Law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law) so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some."
1 Corinthians 9:19-22

I read this verse this morning and remembered my thoughts on how hard it is for the rich to help those in poverty because they don't live with them. They do not suffer the same things they suffer. They do not know their life and yet they judge it. If Christians really wanted to reach the poor with the news of the gospel...the good news....wouldn't they need to become like one of them. How are we suppose to live our lives so as to be an example to others if we never come in contact with those who are not white middle class Christians.

Are we afraid of poverty?
William James once wrote: "Among us English-speaking peoples especially do the praises of poverty need once more to be boldly sung. We have grown literally afraid to be poor. We despise anyone who elects to be poor in order to simplify and save his inner life. If he does not join the general scramble, we deem him spiritless and lacking in ambition. We have lost the power even of imagining what the ancient realization of poverty could have meant; the liberation from material attachments, the unbribed soul, the manlier indifference, the paying our way by what we are and not by what we have, the right to fling away our life at any moment irresponsibly, the more athletic trim, in short, fighting shape."

Have we as Christians told ourselves that the bible says to work hard and thus when we have plenty and more than plenty it is God's blessing. Or is it that we have bought into the American dream and just slapped the cover of "biblical truth" on it? Are we afraid of being poor? Are we afraid of becoming or entering into the lives of people "different" than us in order to live among them while retaining our own values and beliefs? Could there be a greater sense of freedom from materialism and corporate mandate in poverty, something so many people look down upon?

Comments welcome.

Where is the discussion?

I am currently apart of a bible study looking at the life of Paul. At the last session we answered questions about God's view of work. We read the passages Genesis 2:1-7, Genesis 2, and Luke 5:1-11. The questions seemed to just skim the surface and not include any trigger for a dialogue on the cultural background for why these words were written.

One question particularly troubled me. "Describe the most important elements of being successful in your work." The women gave answers such as: learn and develop the skills you need to do for your job, set goals, have a joyful patient attitude. Yes, I agree that these are all GOOD characteristics but from the passages we read from the bible the only instruction I saw was to "work hard." I wrote down things like have integrity, be honest, work efficiently, be flexible and attentive but no where in the reading did I see these attributes. I learned these attributes from my culture, from those older than me that have taught me and from my own experience. This is not to say that the bible doesn't point to having these attributes elsewhere but it did not say these things in the verses I read for this particular lesson.

This lead me to conclude that we as Christians are following the model that our culture says is a "good person" and not what the bible calls us to be or do. We are taking American cultural norms and putting them on the bible instead of looking at what the bible says and truly discussing what it has to say outside of what we think or feel. Are we trying to fit the bible into our American lives or are we letting the bible inform us on how we should live our lives? Should we look to the bible as a way to improve the lives we have already planned for ourselves or should we look at the bible to tell us what to do not how to do what we want to do?

Comments are not just welcome but sorely needed: where is the discussion? Where are the comments with reasons other than I feel... or I think... those have their place but should be backed up at least 50 percent of the time with some reason other than yourself.

Commentary on art viewers: Helping their own image or creating images themselves?

When the camera takes over for the eye by roberta smith

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/05/arts/design/at-the-venice-biennale-art-is-a-photo-op.html?_r=1&ref=arts

Recently the majority of art viewers are taking their experience in through a small frame. Although a sculpture may stand in the observers presence the goal does not seem to be the viewing of the art in order to contemplate its meaning but instead to capture an experience, to add an cultural event notch to their belt or facebook pictures. Is this really the goal? or does the availability of cameras not only enable but encourage the viewer to filter the artists work into their own artistic interpretation. Do cameras help the viewer become an artist themselves?

Heart of Man

This is a poem by Lauren Conley:

The Heart of Man

Pick and choose, one will loose.

I want to hold on, suck in all that is him.

I breathe my lungs full of you

and survive off of honey and nectar

Who is this in my belly speaking poetry to my organs?

Who injected this song into my veins?

I am infected with the heart of man.

I am aware that I, helpless,

Must give it all up to him

Now, drunk on lemons and summer,

Spill my heart to the musicians who

Do not hear,

Singing their same songs over and again.

I slept in the room with you,

You said we’d be good,

Said, “You are good to be with.”

I’m fraying at my belly and I cannot

Hold together this body of thread and cotton and yarn

Hold me. Hold my eyes shut

Hug my waist and clutch my shoulder as I

Cling to this one week of a life I cannot have.

A terrible joke, a mean tease

I tasted you and now I need to be introduced to nothing else.

Relive

Luke 12: 48b

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much will be asked."

I look around burgundy walls surround a wooden platform which holds my possessions high. Am I drowning in my own affluence? If I have more than one shirt am I stealing from the woman that does not have one to claim as her own? Each fabric in my closet adds shrills to the night air as they rub up against each other, a violence to the blessings I have been given. How do I justify this existence? better yet I do not want to justify but more so to rectify the injustice. I must relearn what I was taught as a child from a teacher who is not present.

I am sure those who have been given much in terms of materialism knew of those in need they would not hesitate to offer their extra coat, shirt or pants. For these things are easily replaceable and after giving there is never a qualm about not having done something to benefit the greater good of the human race. Or maybe if the words were brought forth genuinely, not tainted with the least bit of apathy but ignorance was their only fault then it is the shelter of wealth that conceals the need from them. The wealthy are willing to be charitable but do not live among the people for which they would seek to aid or be with in community.

Thus the wealthy move into neighborhoods which have manicured lawns relieving themselves under the shelter of not only their homes but their lifestyle to only on occasion see those who are in need and only on occasion open a checkbook, give monetarily to a church or non-profit organization to cross off their sunday morning checklist of how to live rightly under God.

This is what I have: closet of clothes, two bookshelves of books, artwork, and a bed. What is asked of me? Each book? Each shirt? If I have two do I steal from my sister who has none, or does the distance from the recipient free my mind to a world of apathetic wealth?

Teach me how to relive.

Lemonjellos poetry conversation II

collaborative poetry between zach pedigo and I:

Where does your mind wander?
of sand, of deserts, and strange men I ponder
each letter a grain, each man a book
each deed a stain, a life they foresook.
In the end what is known?
World's shall be shaken; tensions grown.
The ragged book, returned but words in your mind stay
yes, the hours it took, and those worlds hold their sway.

Lemonjellos poetry conversation

This poem was co-written by Zach Pedigo and I:

Caffine invades our bloodstream,
the drug of ground up joe bean.
It is a means to what end,
This blackish brew of water blend?
I sit thinking of words to write
into poet speak sinking, avoiding the witless and trite.
I am deaf to what enters your ears
yet deaf I know what those ears hear.

I wake up to you.

The warmth of the night aire called me outdoors. While riding my bike the breeze which resulted from each stroke of the pedal made me contemplate riding my bike through the night till morning. As I begin to half heartedly reason my way out of this all night vigil or voyage my mind conceives of another promising endeavour. I ride home and shove a metal water bottle in to my backpack up against a thin sheet before I head out the door into the night, I grab a pen and notebook.

I rode my bike to the water's edge, to the dilapidated wooden docks that sit on the glittering reflections of the lights. It is to the south of the docks where I decide to rest for the night snuggled under a cluster of pine trees near bushes which mask this part of the landscape in a kinder darkness.

Laying at the feet of such magnificent beings which stretch up into the dark waves of the atmosphere lets me begin to understand my place in it all. I feel sheltered and protected by the outstretched branches while at the same time captivated by the mystery of all I do not yet know about these natural sculptures.

The hard ground did not warrant much rest but the lapping waves helped to lull me asleep a few times. I woke up to a sky where stars transform into white opaque masses that drift across the sky under the aliases of cumulus and cirrus. They take this form during the day till night fall asks them to implode and become more vibrant to help the restless find their way as the rest of the world sleeps.

I wake up to the company of a fisherman on the docks and a swarm of mosquitoes above my body. I do not embrace the presence of either but ignore both in search of words that are whispered up from the grass and are recorded in ink on a milky page.

The sun rises over the distant tree tops to the east creating a warm glow upon my skin and paper. This may be one of my favorite gifts from God. The warm glow that the sun casts when she just wakes up the sleepy inhabitants of this coastal town or when she gets tired in the evening and the streets are washed over in a golden bath of dying sun's light.

The blonde hair on my arms turn into golden thread making me exceedingly better dressed than any king or queen. Although the water's silvery blue dance and the sun's orange applause of light beckon me to linger in this place longer, I must remember the intention of the day and bind myself to the duties laid out before me by a beloved friend.

"He is not free who can do what he please,
But your freedom is good if you could become what you should.
Become slaves to one another in love."

So often we come under the misconception of entitlement and selfishness being disguised as freedom. It is not simply our choice whether we should care for the earth or each other but it is our responsibility as well as should be our delight. The impoverished are not unlucky or lazy, and the middle class white woman is not blessed. Her wealth comes at the expense of those who suffer. Just because we were born into wealth does not mean it is rightfully ours or that we should not work to correct the injustice placed in our lap. I include myself in this category and hope to work consistently to reverse these patterns of apathetic robbery.

What currently drifts into my ears and saturates my brain...

mumford and sons: sigh no more
psalters: carry the bones
samuel lockridge: nomads and pilgrims
scars on 45
paper route
death cab for cutie: codes and keys
peter bjorn and john: writers block
ludivico einaudi

Albert Camus, from The Sea Close

"I grew up in the sea and poverty was sumptuous, then I lost the sea and found all luxuries grey and poverty unbearable."

barefoot seeker

The same place we revisited
two days later
now morning
holding poses of yoga
focusing on our breath

The wooden stick chapel
allows the wind traverse its walls
a building that breathes
the seeker stands on a grass floor

where bare feet are the only appropriate attire
in this holy place
yet the holy place is
to be realized
this blade on the inside of the standing branch
possesses equal frankness with the one on the outside.

Ohare to National

The airplanes belly has just left the ground, a feeling of weightlessness. As when you were a child and you jumped into your father's arms, expecting gravity to take its turn as it did when you jumped during hopscotch, but instead of your knees feeling the shock of a concrete impact you are suddenly lifted into an uptake, a wind beneath the wings. Chicago soon falls as we climb into the atmosphere. I wonder to myself what lies beneath us as I strain my neck to see out the small window, it would be convenient if the plane was clear so passengers could see the landscape falling underneath them and approaching as the plane lands. If this was the current reality, both places I have called home would be visible: Chicago and Holland Michigan.

The one located south of Chicago in a sprawling suburb. It is the place I called home for eighteen years, the place where I would return home after volleyball, basketball, or track practice and fill up a whole bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. The place where I planted a garden to be like my older sister and killed it from too much love, or water or not enough water.

Headphones slowly slip off of the man in front of me as his wife nags at him, half listening to his wife. His thinning hair wont be able to take much more abuse as he readjusts his headphones. His hair will fall out by the plastic rubbing back and forth if he listens to more music and if he listens to his wife there isn't much hope for his hair either.

My other home is across the lake in Holland, Michigan. I live south of the downtown there too. My family has always been connected to the Holland area. I wonder if my aunt and uncle had not chosen to live in holland a long time ago if I would hace ended up there to go to college at Hope. My summers on the boats and holidays snuggled into a warm house surrounded by snow, painted holland in a favorable light.

the story i am living and the story i want to live

My feet rest on a hard wood floor in an old house, a blanket is wrapped around me to compensate for the lack of warmth the sun dress I am wearing provides. This house is cold inside so I open a few windows to let the spring time weather in. My companion, a million miles in a thousand years, questions me with each page.

What story am I living currently? I am in living in Holland in a house with 4 guys who live upstairs: yared, mike, kevin, and nate and one guy who lives on the first floor where my bedroom is, his name is kyle and the guy who I have begun to be closest with here in the house. I wake up around 10 am each day, wonder what I should do, check my email, fill out an application, read, eat lunch, maybe go for a short run, stop at ljs for awhile, and then hang out with kristin and adam at night, eat dinner and maybe watch a movie.

What story do I want to live? Short term.
I want to wake up at 6am write a letter to a friend. go for a walk. eat breakfast, go to my job that i enjoy, eat lunch work more come home maybe have a small garden, ride my bike to the beach with friends, eat dinner, go for a walk, go rock climbing, go kayaking, go sailing, help kristin with her wedding, eat healthy and consistently work out. practice italian and spanish, practice art, have a show at lemonjellos and other galleries.

long term:
i want to make a living creating, creating art, designing, etc... something like that. but to make a living doing it. I want to be able to pay back my loans in 2 years. I want to be independent. I want to travel, I want to love and care for my friends and family. maybe live in a city where i could go to farmers markets walk or bike everywhere. or live in a small cabin in the woods, with a studio out back, right on a lake, where i would wake up and go sailing, kayaking, where i could go exploring in the woods, and be a writer and artist. Maybe if I am also blessed enough to find a man who loves God that would be okay with me too.

Hiking July 2010

This tree would be a great chimney outdoors.

suitcase under my bed

When i got home I unpacked everything and laid it out on a table in my room. then i left the next day for another part of the country. I came home it sat there for a week, then needing to clean my room i packed the memories, the receipts, the tickets stubs, the letters, my life in milan into a green retro suitcase and put it under my bed. I put out some things i brought back from my travels in europe onto my bookshelf near my pieces of artwork. When i was a little girl i dreamed of having a small house with souvenirs from all over the world mixed in with pieces of my artwork. I never knew that those objects could represent so much, not just one weekend at carnivale in a mask or one night having dinner with alaina on my balcony but they represent a whole part of my life. One that is temporarily stored under my bed, waiting for what i lived to become art.

I pledge allegiance to one

I am not one to be anymore deceived
by the lies i have long since believed
I am part of this beautiful creation
I am the daughter, of many, not one nation
therefore it is my duty, no my privilege
to love each man woman and child
to love each creature tame or wild
to love the plants and trees
that give me the air we breathe
I am a beautiful creation and so is our earth
yes this land does not belong to just me or you
it does not belong only to those before us or those after us
yet we must take pride in working it
we must take pride in caring for it
because it is ours, each person has a stake in what we claim
each person no matter the nationality or name
is apart of our land and we are apart of theirs
for we are one people one earth under God indivisible with love for all.

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

I recently read this and it resonated with me. The author was talking about goals he set in high school and I thought about my goals of playing volleyball in college, traveling to europe, becoming an artist, etc. Yet it is what those experiences help me become not just doing those things that give me satisfaction.

"Doing is usually connected with a vocation or career, how we make a living. Being is much deeper. It relates to character, who we are, and how we make a life. Doing is tied in closely with activity, accomplishments, and tangible things---like salary, prestige, involvements, roles, and trophies. Being, on the other hand, has more to do with intangibles, the kind of people we become down inside, much of which can't be measured by objective yardsticks and impressive awards. But of the two, being will ultimately outdistance doing every time. It may take half a lifetime to perfect . . . but hands down, it's far more valuable. And lasting. And inspiring."

I am slowly, very slowly becoming who I want to be and each day also deciding what I don't want to be.
I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I want to be a woman of class: a woman who respects herself and others and a woman who makes people feel comfortable in her presence. I want to be an intelligent woman who is humble.. I want to be a talented artist and intriguing writer. I want to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to be a woman who loves purely and genuinely.

Proverbs 31 is a verse in the bible that kind of elaborates on this, it is sad but also inspiring:
"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."

It is sad that virtuous woman are so rare but what a wonderful thing to aspire to.

Someday I hope to be this woman, with God's help.

one of the most freeing things in the world

I recently met this man named austin. He goes to calvin college and is the same age as me. We are working together at camp and one night we had a heart to heart. I really liked something he said and it has resonated with me ever since. He wondered why there were so many great quality girls at christian colleges. He figured out that it was because they knew their worth. they found their worth in God and so they knew they were something special they are princesses of the most high king. so then they are looking for men who meet their standards and in turn men rise to meet those standards. and it is just a trade off of becoming better and better. I really liked that realization.

Tonight a man i was talking to couldn't believe that i didn't have a boyfriend or that i wasn't boy crazy and looking for one. he was baffled that i was content to be by "myself." He also couldn't believe that I didn't like to drink. we talked more and i told him about my love for art and sports. He told me that I was going somewhere in life that i was someone special. he said he saw something different in me. I thought about it and it reminded of the conversation that austin and i had. If there is anything special about me it is solely from God and my love for him. Maybe that is the difference. Because I want God first in my life I don't have to chase after empty fulfillments i don't have to worry about finding the right guy because i know God is faithful and if I am suppose to be with someone he will see that it happens. Letting God take control is very hard but one of the most freeing things in the world.

one phone call....it made me think

Life events such as weddings funerals and births always make you stop and think
today my aunt was married in holland and on the way to her wedding my grandpa
and father relived their own wedding days and honeymoons.

Now I took away a couple thoughts from these stories which were told. First my
papa and nana went to lake geneva for their honeymoon, I am living on lake geneva
this summer it was interesting to think they were there when they were my age, married.

the second was when he told me about how 10 days after the wedding he was shipped off
to the war in korea. he said this when talking about the war:

its one of those things that you would never do again if you had the chance
but would never give up the experience for a million dollars.

I thought that was interesting and what events i could say that about in my own life.
He also told me how he only talked to my nana once that entire year he was gone in korea.
imagine the first year of marriage half a world away with only 1 5 min phone call. its interesting to think about relationships and what that means. is it being together in sight or keeping in constant contact....or is it something more. It made me think alot.

a treasure beyond gold and diamonds

My sisters,
why do we fail to understand
that we are beautiful creations
made by our first love
why do we paint over natural beauty
why are we so insecure with our divinely given bodies
when we look at outward appearance in disgust
we degrade ourselves
we slap our maker in the face
with every grimace we yell back at our maker
hey buddy this isn't good enough, couldn't you have done better
but what we don't realize is that we were created just how we were suppose to be

why are we focusing on the outward when it is the heart that matters
a woman of true virtue who can find.
show me a woman after God's heart and I will show you
a treasure beyond gold or diamonds.

Labels and price tags

As humans we are always trying to label everything including one another. If we find out someone likes sports...we think ok now i can put them into my jock category or people that do art/play music/or dance are artists who have weird personalities and the labels continue. An interesting thing about families...have you ever stopped to label your father mother sister or brother in the way you do to strangers or friends. No, not really other than the label of relation to you, you see them as a person, a unique person that can't be classifiable by words such as "emo, jock, artsy, etc.." yes you might use some of these words to describe them but it doesn't give a complete description of who they are. When we start labeling others in this sense you don't take into account the uniqueness of that person as a whole. You have certain expectations of what you think a person "like that" would do or what they would be like so when they don't exactly line up with your sterotypes it leads to maybe some frustration and confusion. I think this frustration or confusion is the best thing we can have because it makes us question how we always want to categorize people instead of learning about that one person in the way they were created to be uniquely themselves and not another person or group. Some places I know I have gotten into trouble with this is in new situations I have compared new friends to old ones. I thought it would help me understand or classify them better in my head but really people should not be classified. They should not be bound by sterotypical boxes or presets. Another example is judging people. I have gotten to know some amazing people over my short life and some of the greatest people who I learned to admire or love have done horrible things in their past. I didn't know this when I was first getting to know them. I saw them as they were in this moment, their current actions, their current words, who they are at the present and not who they were. Because I got to know them for the person they had become and not the person they were I had a better grasp on who the person was without invalid judgements from past wrongdoings. Later on when trust had formed in the relationships they shared some haunting and not so pretty things from their past. It is sad to say if I knew these things right off the bat when I met them I would label them as a nice person but not someone I would want to be friends with...yes I would judge them. This is not right, and something I must work on. However being friends with people and getting to know them before judging them (slash not judging them at all or placing them in one catagory) has taught me invaluable lessons on the value of a person. Each person is valuable in their unique way. Because one person is not the exact same as another or a group of people they are highly valuable. There never was, there isn't and there will never be anyone like them. How valuable one person must be then...

Balance

Life is all about balance. If you take a characteristic or something too far one way or the other it becomes a vice. For instance: Self image. Self image needs to be balanced between narcisism and self loathing. In one instance the view is distorted to be too great and this causes selfishness and pride whereas on the other hand if there is not enough love for oneself then this causes one to hate or loath oneself. This is one of the hardest aspects to learn or perfect and it is a life-long process.
So now the question becomes what do I struggle with, what do you struggle with? In what way is it too far to one side and what is the perfect balance?

What is your purpose in life?

Holiness.

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Oh how my ideas of handsome have changed...

In the past
I wrote these things:
I like buzz cuts
black shirts
black dress pants
with a black belt and shoes
I like jeans with a suit jacket
and a button up shirt
I like guys that wear
baseball hats and baseball tee's
I like black vests with
white button up shirts underneath
with jeans and a fadora hat
I like green army looking button up shirts

Today I looked at that list
oh how my ideas
of handsome have changed...
I like a man who radiates love not cologne
I like a man who loves God
and wears His word on his tongue
I like the heart beneath that shirt
I like the mind beneath that hat
I like the strength of character
seen not in muscles but
in the gentle acts of kindness and love
towards every woman and man
young or old.
I like a man who spends time on those in need
instead of spending money on things he doesn't need
I like a man who spends time on educating his mind
and not mindlessly playing videogames
I like a man who knows what hard work is
and enjoys it maybe just for the fact that it helps him
related to others better and
he glorifies God when he gives his best
I like a man who cares more for
the mind,
the heart,
the soul
of the woman he loves
rather than
the bust size
the status
the easyness
of the woman
I like a man who loves God and me
not only in word but in deed.

Rwanda

Rwanda, I see your hurt
Rwanda, I smell the corpses in the dirt
your voice of a thousand angels cry out
"Lord help us" but we doubt
How can the suffering be greater?
We need help now, not later.
For what good will our bodies do
if they are left in the streets cold and blue
Rwanda, your children are dying
Rwanda, in the streets there are thousands lying
we wait for relief, we pray to be free
from this genocide that you will never see
I know we are a world away
but the least you can do for us is pray.

Live intentionally

This is one of my favorite quotes
that I just ran across today...

Live with intention
walk to the edge
listen hard
practice wellness
play with abandon
laugh
choose with no regret
continue to learn
appreciate your friends
do what you love
live as if this is all there is

The Five

Today I was talking to a good friend about relationships and friendships. I came to the conclusion that there are 5 things that make up a good relationship. There may be more but these are what I have kind of boiled my thoughts down to. Looking at friendships now, ones that have disintegrated, and ones that have lasted I saw common threads through them. A Great Relationship needs....

1. Love
A love that is not selfish but instead like a servant's heart. We all need to be loved. However if we always focus on ourselves then not only are others not loved but we keep the love for ourselves but our own love will never bring us joy. So if we give all our love to others and others do the same then everyone's needs will be met.

2. Communication
I think is is a huge part of relationships. Whether you are just feeling a little sad or hurt about something don't hide it or stiffle it. Express your concerns and feelings to those you have a relationship with so that they know why you are acting the way you are. Keep those around you informed of your life (in a healthy way don't use this as an excuse to be a drama queen or king) so that they will know what is going on and how to help you if you do need help.

3. Honesty and Trust
I think these go together because honesty builds trust. Even if a person does something bad or something you disagree with, if they are honest about the situation you will be able to respect them more as a person cause you know they are trying to always be honest with you. This opens up the way for trust which is huge in a relationship. Love also contributes to Trust.

4. Balance
You will always have different things you do with different friends but if they are a lasting close friend then they will share all moments with you. Great friends share moments of strife and pain along with moments of joy and celebration. I have had a friend who only came to me with her problems, crying. As a friend I wanted to be there for her of course. So time after time i would console her and try to help her out with her problems or what she was stressed about. That was our whole relationship. It was unhealthy. I have other friends who I only have good times with. Those are fun but shallow at the same time. You don't get to know the person's fears, desires, dreams, past, etc... I have other friends who I can have deep meaningful conversations with. For a good relationship there must be a balance between all three (and there are more parts that play into this but these are just a few examples). A friend comforts and listens but that is not all they do. Friends have to have fun together but if that is all that is there it will quickly fall apart. Friends need to have deep conversations. This is a hard one because you have to build trust in order for this to happen. These can't be forced.

5. God focused
This is the most crucial part. I think all the other catagories will fall into place if both people in the relationship put God first. Now I know that we all fall short and mess up, including me, but if you both are constantly trying to put God first in your relationship it will last a lifetime. I just thought of an old song from my childhood that illustrates this... "friends will not say never when the lords the lord of them, and its hard to let you go in the fathers hands we know that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends."

Finding pure joy in everyday things

Last night I saw the curious case of benjamin button and it made me think about a lot of things.
One part he said I was getting paid to do something I would have done for free. However he was scrubbing the bird poop off the deck of a grungy tug boat. See he just wanted to experience life, the good, the bad, the new. He saw it all took it all in. This is in a way how I wish to experience life. I want to do so many things just to experience life fully. I am not talking about the usual things people want to do before they die like bungee jump or sky dive or travel the world, even thought I would love to do adventurous things and they are a part of it. However what I am talking about is waking up and living in each moment of your life. Truly stopping to feel the sun's warmth on your face, stepping outside and filling your lungs with cold winter air, exhaling to see your breath, appreciate a slow walk across a wooden floor with your bare feet, the smell of air. I want to appreciate not just the comfortable things or good things in my life but I want to appreciate some things that I see as the bad things as well...cause it is all apart of life. I don't want to appreciate sin that is not what I am talking about but jobs or things that others would look down on or turn away in disgust I want to find the joy in it. Just pure joy in getting to experience life to the fullest.

Last night on the way to the movie I saw Venus shining brightly underneath the moon. At first I saw it all as flat a crescent shaped moon and a planet that looks just to be like a star....but then I truly comprehended the enormity of it. I saw the gray part of the rest of the moon the part that wasn't lit up and I could then picture it as a sphere in the sky but not just in the sky....I imagined all of space and then i looked past the moon not under it but past it and saw Venus. I pondered how a huge planet made of rock could look so bright. It was because of the sun's reflection I know but that bright, brighter than any diamond. It was a gorgeous stone set against the velvet blue black of the sky. I felt small in relation to everything but I actually enjoyed the feeling. It gave me a small glimpse at the magnitude of God. He has all of it in His hands. I was speechless.

Hope for the Indebted

Debt
I am in debt
I am indebted to so many people
I do not tithe now
how do I think that when it comes time for me to pay back my debt that I will tithe then
money will be even tighter
I think back to high school
how i spent so much money
how if i saved more worked more
i would be so much better off now
so i must apply that lesson to my life now
I need to work now
because when i leave school
I will be even more worse off
in 2 years
I will have no home
in 2 years
i will have to buy my own food
In 2 years
I will have to buy things for my house
take care of all my needs
be independent
In 2 years
In 2 years
will I tithe then when i am worse off
if i do not discipline myself now?
no.
whose money is it anyways. Gods.
I am so blessed
live under my means
tithe
give your money your life to God
Give everything you own to God
your relationships
your time
your thoughts
It is all His.
I am His.
I can find comfort in that.

You can't love too much one part of it...

Through my years of living I have come to realize and still realizing that life is all about balance. I always wanted to make life about one thing or another but I am slowly realizing that life is about the two living side by side in harmony. The bad makes you appreciate the good. The bad makes you have a stronger character...the fire purifies the metal.

You can't love to much one part of it. Life. You can't love to much one part of it. You have to love the good, the bad, the awkward, the ugly, the beautiful, the unexplainable, the confusing, the awe-inspiring parts of life.

I am not a lover of cliches but I think this quote gets to the heart of what I am saying: (plus i love storms and so its a good visual for me)...
Some people wait for the storm to pass, others dance in the rain.

Life will never be perfect so enjoy every part of it.
Lord grant me joy, something that transcends fleeting happiness.

Lonely City Nights

Riding the L through Chicago one night this is what came to my mind...

The city lights glow with magnificent lonliness. The lights are on in the empty rooms of brick and fine furniture. There are a million cold boxes that should be homes. There are a million hearts that should be loved. Both lonley and empty. Missing life inside them.

A perfect day in holland

The bells toll
it is midday
the warm sun is a cozy blanket
on this breezy fall day
the sunshine illuminates the tree leaves
in a variety of amber crimson and goldenrod colors
I watch those who pass from here to there
as I rythmically rock back in forth in my chair.
It is a brillant display of God's goodness
and the unbelievable beauty
makes it seem as though
this landscape of light and color
was like so many paintings i had seen before
beautiful but not real.
Not so with this day.
This day I am soaking in the majesty of creation
A squirrel peeps his head up
with his two front paws on the front step
he looks at me for a minute or two
as if to say hello
and then scampers away
I look up and see him.
He is walking across the the leaf cover earth
My smile is for the day
My heart smiles for him.
Everything seems as it should be.
A perfect day in Holland.

October 18 2008

The compassionate love of Jesus at work within us empowers us to suffer with, endure with, struggle with , partake of, be moved in the depths of our being for the hunger, nakedness, loneliness, pain, squalid choices, and failed dreams of our brothers and sisters in the human family.

Reading this from the ragamuffin gospel reminded me of my favorite verse...

Through his power at work within us he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we could ever dare to ask or hope. I always thought of this as what great things I could accomplish with God's help to benefit myself. However I saw it in a new light today. Through his power at work within us he empowers us to love those that are hurting. He enables us to do infinitely more than we could ever dare to ask or hope maybe because what our dreams and hopes are based on is ourselves and the reason why he can do more is because he looks past us and helps us help others. We ourselves may not accomplish great things in our name but instead accomplish great things for others.

Gallery visitors

I was just loving life in the gallery and was lead from a john mayer song to coltrane to the then listen to the sound of music's Favorite things and I was listening by myself in the silent gallery to this song of my past when two people opened the door to come into my solitary gallery. The dancing melodies of my head and imagination fell to the floor and became the very sculptures I was suppose to be guarding.

Fried Chikin

Elaborating on my adventures in the south, on the way home from farmers market I saw a family washing their horse in a car wash, quite a site to see. I went to my first baptist church potluck and I am a big fan of those. Going to this baptist church made me question how their beliefs differ from mine and my sister informed me that we pretty much were brought up in baptist teachings when we went to our non-denominational churches. Many people down here use the phrase "might can" and think that it is proper english. Such as "you might can find that in the paper." Its funny, I had heard about dialects before in other countries but never really thought about our country and how different the north and south really are.

Down South in North Carolina

I have been down south a couple times but this week I began thinking more about different lifestyles and decided to write about it. We drove around Creedmoor, North Carolina and there was a gas station with one gas pump. It made me smile. There are no breakfast places in town you have to go to Durham for that, the larger city. Life is so different down here, so slow. I am not sure I could get use to it. I am sure if i lived down here for awhile I would, but it is just peculiar how in different regions different people live. These two groups of people put priorities on different things. In Chicago speed is automatically expected not a luxury. However I think the people down here make up for their lack of speed by the care they give to the person in which they are serving.

Thrift store poetry

The day gone or going
we'll bus from room to room
and I'll protest the eyes of furniture or flowers
or anything that looks at you but me.

I've drawn your face on tablecloths across the country.
tracing your smile with my index finger,
making your hair just so.
Till now your more what I want you to be than what you really are.

My hair is almost white from lying in the sun.
I'm tired of being next to you just to engineer a tan.
I would be the same man pale.

Trees are monuments to God,
cities monuments to man.
I need to meet my God again
among the ferns and trees.
There's too much me in my life now
and not enough of Him.

I buy you necklaces you never wear
to show how much I care
I might as well have brought you bouquets of this air
for crystal beads can't fill a woman's needs.
And where are we now, where are we now?
A thousand miles apart.
What have we now, what have we now?
Not even love enough to break each other's hearts.

I've saved the summer
and I give it all to you
to hold on winter morning
when the snow is new.
I've saved some sunlight
if you should ever need
a place away from darkness
where your mind can feed.
And for myself I've kept your smile
when you were but nineteen
till you're older you'll not know
what brave young smiles can mean.

A conversation with a friend...

This summer I have been blessed with the chance to get to know a young woman pretty well. We have had many conversations on life and she has helped me sort out my thoughts. One of which is about the importance of friends. Pick friends who you want to be like, not who people think you should hang out with but really people who you admire or who you would like to become more like. I had to make hard decisions in high school and believe me it hurt to say goodbye to some friends who I didn't agree with what they were doing in order for myself not to get wrapped up in what they were doing. Now I'm not saying don't hang out with friends because they do things or don't do things or such...I mean you have to make that call but friends influence you more than you know, so being around people who you want to be like is great because they rub off on you. I know it may sound like the same old same old but really I challenge you to chose your friends wisely.
However, during high school I also got into the mind set of judging people because they did things that I didn't agree with, however I was in the wrong too. Remember to always love those people but you don't have to love their actions. One verse I really like when dealing with decisions about things like smoking, alcohol, relationships, how i dress...etc... is: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 I really like this verse cause it reminds me that I belong to God and he lives in me so I have to try and keep my body as pure as I can. This all can go back to respecting yourself too. I also love the song (sometimes i use it as a prayer) "Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary pure and holy tried and true with thanksgiving i will be a living sanctuary for you." Sometimes its really hard to do the right thing but in the end you will be so happy you did. I pray that God molds you into a person after his own heart. I think this is the best prayer you could pray for anyone. I hope I will always love the first love of my live with my whole heart mind strength and spirit.

I am...

Have you ever asked yourself who am I?

A little while ago I asked a good friend to describe himself in 5 words or phrases. I knew this was hard to do but I wanted to see what he would say. It's always interesting to see what someone first says or thinks about themself. Then I started thinking of who I am.
I am...
-a hopeless procrastinator.
-a imaginative artist
-a competitive athlete.
-short-term long-term forgetful
-always wandering
-blessed
-in love with God
-a sister
-a fashion designer
-spontaneous
-messy and organized in my own way
-a kid at heart
-a chicagoan
-distracted easily
-food critic
-adventurous
-a snuggler
-dislexic spelling bee winner
-a slow reader
-an aimless thinker
-laid back/easy going

if you know me and have anymore to add please be my guest.

Good songs

So in church today we sang better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere and I love that song...i also really like blessed be the name of the lord...and then of course put your heart (from the gathering). I love the idea of that one, so good. I love writing it or saying the words every day as a prayer to God to make me more like him. To love like he loves people so that I can love more perfectly and more fully. I thought of this song in church today with the whole correlation between heart and mouth and how what is in our hearts overflows to our mouths and I thought we should have sang this song....

Put your heart in my heart.
Put your words in my mouth.
Put your heart in my heart.
Put your words in my mouth.
We could be your hands,
We could be your feet,
We could be your love to this world.

Let you live your life through me
Let your kingdom come through me
Let your will be done through me
Put your heart in my heart
Put your words in my mouth.

Let your arms reach out through me
Let your heart beat in me
Let your words speak through me
reveal the Fathers love
to the broken
to the poor
to the heavy hearted ones
that everyone may come to know and taste the Fathers love.

My favorite verse

"By His mighty power at work within us He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope."
Ephesians 3:20

This is one of my favorite verses because it reminds me that by myself I can't accomplish anything. I am weak and I will screw up but with Gods strength He is the one that will accompolish a great work throught me I love how the bible uses the word infinitely more I mean think of that infinitely more, I can't even grasp that...no one can except God. I love the last part also..."more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." wow. not even my wildest dreams of becoming a famous artist marrying prince charming becoming wealthy and sharing it with others, living in a dream house, even my wildest dreams don't compare with what God has in store for me or would accpomplish through me if I have the strength to let go and trust him. Wow. I love this verse.

A midnight summer bonfire

So I just want to describe the scene I am acting in right now on this stage of life. I am sitting on a carpet of green grass which slowly reveals itself through the flicking of the fire and then slips back into the shadows. Josh Groban is singing to me telling me its now or never. As the fire slowly goes to sleep for the night in its warm bed of ambers the moon takes its place for the light that illuminates the somber world that surrounds me. Half my face glows a warm red from the light escaping from the fire and the other half shines the beauty of the moons cold blueness.

May 9, 2008
I just took an amtrak train to holland michigan. It cost 29 dollars. I went to visit Kristin Benner my roommate. I got there around 10pm. There was a waiter on the car we were traveling in and he flirted with all the middle aged women so they were all giggling and flirting back. I sat by myself and read my book "through painted deserts" or looked outside as the day turned into a foggy gray tinted landscape which gave way to night, pitch black I couldn't see anything. It was a long trip. I got lost in my book a couple times though. Now I want to become a homeless person go on road trips write books and paint create art.

I also reflected on this past year. Alot of guys liked me but I just wanted to be friends with them. The guy I did like did not show any sign of liking me back either. My heart was "on the fence" alot of the time as trygve would say. That is not a good place to be. I didn't want to like someone just because they liked me. I was wondering if God would put the man that I was suppose to be with in my life. I had a relationship over this past year but I knew that he was not the one. He was an amazing guy but not the one for me. It was hard after being in a relationship I thought that I really wanted another right away. However, I am slowly realizing that I want to be content in being in love with God. I had spent so much time in vain looking for the right guy when really I just had to fall in love with God all over again. I recently read a quote I really like. A womans heart should be so lost in love with God a man has to seek Him to find it. That is what I want for my life. I want to be satisfied in Him because when I am most satisfied in Him, He is most glorified in me. I found this song that kinda goes with what I am saying....

Security by Stacie Orrico
Another day all alone again...someone please love me
another game another broken heart why do i do this to myself
if i can look and try to find someone who won't leave me lonely....
but then i found i didn't need to search cause you were the one and you came to me....
Im so glad you found me because i need you so close to me because your the only one that makes my life complete. I know it took so long to see that your my security. you won't go away from me and i know that I will never have to worry because you are my security.

Lord I pray that I become a woman after your own heart.

Live the life you have imagined. -Thoreau

I wrote this at the beginning of my summer on May 3rd.
I just realized that I sort of want a different life. I mean I have ALOT of good things to be thankful for but it really wasn't my ideal life. I have always been starry eyed and had great plans of doing art and traveling. For some reason I guess I thought that life would just come to me but thats not how it works. So i want to make my life the life that I want to live. I am going to chose my life, not just react. I realized that only doing is doing. If you want to do something nothing should stop you. If you really WANT to do it DO IT. it seems so simple but yet if we really tried it I think alot of people would be different and happier. So the question then comes what do I want to do? Who do I want to be?

In order to come to know what I want to do with my life and the kind of person I want to be I have to start at my source. Well lets start with my purpose in life. God. Praising him and bringing him glory and loving him in all I do. If I only give 95% that is 5% short. So how am I going to be FULLY on fire for GOD? I had a couple ways of how my life should go this summer. I was thinking about becoming a minimalist for a couple reasons... I have alot of stuff I never use, which isn't right. But instead I decided that I shouldn't just throw things out that I would use, just to have a little. Instead I would honestly go through everything I have and get rid of things I know deep down I will never use. Second I wanted a change, I wanted something different and I was thinking that this would do it. But really I realized today that I need to change my life. I need to change my attitude and habits and not just my surroundings. I could get rid of the physical clutter but I also needed to get rid of the things I didn't want in my life mentally I guess you could say.
I made a huge list of things I wanted my life to be like. Here are some of them...

I have always wanted to read a plethora of books...so i am going to pick out a book each week and read it. So that adds up to 15 books.
I want to do fun exciting things. something out of the normal. I want to take a road trip go camping I want to rock climb and try new things events, foods, etc..
I want to be able to run a marathon.
I want to know history. medicine. how to fly a plane.
I want to read great poems and reflect on them.
I want to learn about art history.
I want to care about the earth.
I want to learn a instrument Guitar or piano or drums or both.
I want to jump 3 feet high.
I want to learn about Egypt and archaeological excavations .
I want to spend as little money as possible, having fun without needing to spend tons of money.
I want to learn the streets of Chicago in and out.
I want to vote and register to vote.
I want to write poems or a story and illustrate it.
I want to learn how to make my own clothes and sew.
I want to make a recipe book.
I want to send letters to my friends and care about them.
I want to watch a storm.
I want to create a pic for lyssa
I want to get up in the morning see sunrises and run and bike
I want to take walks with God.
I want to listen to God... enjoy silence.
I want to go to turtle head and have a picnic.
I want to play beach volleyball.
I want to go sailing.
I want to get to know my friends better.
I want to listen to different kinds of music I don't normally listen to.
I want to create an artwork to a piece of music.
I want to buy an easel.
I want to learn/memorize bible verses.
I want to learn about other religions.
I want to restore past broken relationships.

So that is some of the things I planned to change in my life at the beginning of the summer and I think I have done a good job of seeing most of them through. So try it. Figure out what matters most to you, combine it with the life you have always imagined for yourself and go do it. This is not just a checklist its a new way of life.

How this started...

So...I have a friend named Brandon Joldersma. He is an amazing guy and I won't lie I am very intrigued by him. I have always wanted to travel the world and he has been a lot of places I have always dreamed of going. I found his blog online out of the blue...which was really random and at first I clicked on it but didn't think it was the same brandon however it turned out to be his blog of his travels. So being the wanderlust person I am if I can go to europe tonight I might as well read what he has to say and see if I can pick up any tips from his travels. Well needless to say, this got me to start my own blog. See, in the past couple weeks my way of thinking has started to change. I began thinking of writing down my insights or the way I think otherwise known as Chickin Logic in a book. However I think this will serve my purpose quite well. I also started reading a book, One Month To Live by Kerry and Chris Shook. Although I have only started this book it is changing how I think of life. The whole idea of the book is to get you to realize that you should live life and not have the "someday syndrome." For example: Someday I will travel all around the world. Someday I will learn languages and paint masterpieces. This book is helping me realize how to live my life as if I will die in a month. How to not have regrets. Brandon, even though I barely know him has gotten me to think of this concept also. One night as we were hanging out at his house with friends he said something like if you want to do it just do it, everyone says oh thats so cool you traveled I wish I could do that to and he's like you can if you really want to you will figure a way out. Since I was little I have always dreamed of traveling the world and I am going to try to live that dream out to the fullest and not wait for someday. So thanks Brandon.